Side Track
Talking about hormones, living with a menopausal mum and an andropausing dad is so exciting. They're totally switching roles, dad's becoming an auntie and mum's becoming an uncle. Woohoo!
Anyhoos, back to whatever I was going to type. I got really emo for the past 2 days and whenever I get emotional, I'll start thinking about all the things that I've done and what has happened to me for like the past 6 or 7 years.
The regret that will follow me until I die is that I've been rude to my grandma even though I was her favourite grandchild. She passed away when I was 15 (angsty teenage years). She doted on me a lot and didn't even scold me whenever I was being plain rude. I have a really bad temper so I can't stand naggy people. But still I shouldn't have treated her so badly. Only when she was bed ridden then I realised that I was going to lose one of the people who loved me the most.
I can't go on anymore. Next.
Recently I had a conversation with Hengyi and he reminded me that I'm actually quite hostile towards some people. Well, first off, I wasn't like that in the past. When I was still in Anderson, I was totally easy going, pretty much didn't give a damn about anything (something I learnt from hanging out too much with my male classmates ever since Sec1) and trusted almost everyone I met or more like I don't question about anyone's motives. Something happened when my Sec5 year just started, I was still with my first boyfriend Vinson. My classmates referred me as the ugly duckling turned swan thingy (well not really a swan but at least I'm ugly duckling no more). Vinson was (secondary school standard) very cute as older girls actually hit on him in Mcdonalds. I felt kind of inferior while I was with him as I was "ugly". My appearance started changing when I was in Sec5 as I was wearing braces and started wearing contacts instead of my glasses.
And then the drama begins, suddenly the girls in my class started to avoid me and isolate me. I didn't know what I'd done to deserve that and so I started asking my male classmates about it as they were the only ones willing to talk to me (other than my best friend Liling who got dragged into it). According to one of my better friends, apparantly one of the girls wasn't happy that I was still hanging out so much with my male classmates even though I was attached. My first reaction? I thought it was total bullshit. Why should it even bother you when Vinson's my boyfriend and not yours? My conclusion was that she was just unhappy that an ugly girl like me could get a boyfriend like Vinson. But I was unhappy with what I've found out, so being the straight forward (sometimes a stupid move) me, I went to confront them (she was in a clique). Why am I being treated this way when I've obviously done nothing wrong. The reply I got? Due to uncanny reasons. When I read the reply, I was literally cursing in my head.
"KNN! What uncanny reasons! Don't give me bullshit! Use chim words on me somemore! @$%)!@$%)*&%$"
I wasn't happy with what I got and so I asked my male friends to find out what they or rather she was really unhappy about. She started saying excuses like I don't teach my classmates how to do the homework even when they asked me to and stuff like just cause I'm smart I didn't have to be selfish and don't share my knowledge. Bla bla bla. What a load of bull. Even my male friends could tell that it wasn't true. But I still didn't know why she was being so mean to me, until one of my friends enlightened me. He told me that she felt threatened by me cause she was supposedly the "chio-est" in the class and now that I'm "improving" at a rapid rate, she wants to knock me off the radar, like kill my social status.
Problem solved. After knowing the true reason, I decided to don't give a fuck about it. After a few months, one of her friends apologised to me and the rest? Acted as if nothing happened and started talking to me as if everything was normal.
That was the start of everything, like me losing faith in people and not trusting them. Right now I just don't believe that anyone could be so nice that they do not have any ill intentions at all. I just stopped trusting people as much as before.
Hengyi told me that I'm those kind of person who would leave you to die if you didn't heed my advice. Like if you came to me for advice, don't listen at all and then get yourself into deep shit even though I told you to do otherwise, I would totally give the "I TOLD YOU SO" attitude.
Which is so true. I realised that when I care for someone a lot, I'm always the one getting hurt. So why get hurt when you can just simply walk away.
I know I've become some what of a cold hearted person but I really do want to have faith in people. But whenever I try to, I'll get disappointed. The environment has changed me. I really want to be like how I was, doing volunteer work, enjoying the company of those old folks at Toa Payoh Polyclinic. Okay side tracking.
Soon after my O Levels, I got together with my second boyfriend which can totally be like a movie by itself. He was the one who double confirmed my beliefs, that I can't really trust anyone, not even my boyfriend. He was an asshole. Yeaps.
After that my life went into a roller coaster, like the deep plunge type. I went into a minor depression, my life was in a mess, I hurt a lot of people who cared about me and I screwed my A Levels.
Things only picked up when I met Hengyi, he's somewhat my guardian angel. Not the perfect type (DUH!), but still he wants me to be a better person and some stuff that he says really gets me thinking. He reminds me that even though being on the giving side might be the losing end, the whole world would be a better place if each and everyone of us just give in a bit. Instead of always wanting to be on the receiving side.
He also reminded me that I may have hurt some one unintentionally. Well, I know I shouldn't have said anything which would have hurt you and I'm truely sorry about it. I was totally giving you the "I TOLD YOU SO" attitude and now I know that I shouldn't have done so. Please forgive me.
Not everyone's perfect but do try to be a better person. I know I am trying.
And just for entertainment. Presenting NTU Hall 13 Mr Gorgeous VINSON LEE. Haha. He's so going to kill me if he sees this. I just found out that he joined the hall pageant. LOL.
V'Day 2007, we decided to accompany each other as both of us were healing our aching hearts. I had a sore eye. Haha.
Vin don't kill me. =)
Ciaos
Love
Venetia
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